Discovering you, discovering me

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“Eve was framed” photo by Lori Vrba

Observing you, perception defines

I see my essence in your divine

I see my reason in your purpose

I see my ego on your surface

I see my flaws in your perfection

I see my deficient in your rejection

I see my sympathy in your exposure

I see my anxiety in your composure

I see my eccentric in your audacity

I see my coyness in your vivacity

I see my colors in your expression

I see my rigor in your digression

I see my love in your lust

I see my cynicism in your trust

In pieces of you, pieces of me are set free

Discovering you, I am discovering me.

Out of sight, in the mind

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Lori Vrba, Blindfold, 2012 Toned Gelatin Silver Print Edition 1/20

Can you still see?
“No, it’s pitch black” you say,
With a tone of uncertainty.

Now think of the things you love
Can you see them all?
“Yes, they are all there.
In my reminiscence wall.”

Now think of the things you loathe
Can you see them too?
“Yes, I see them creeping up
from the abyss of my mind’s view.”

Do you believe it, when they claim
“Out of sight, out of mind?”
“Not after this blindfold
Covered up my eyes.”

“You can close your eyes
to things you don’t want to see”
but know there are many things
that await for you in your memories.

“You can close your eyes
to things you don’t want to feel”
but know there are many things
that are felt in the heart’s zeal.

via Daily Prompt: Eyes

Flawed

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Flawed, so beautifully flawed.

But, your essence, my dear

Is perfection.

Even when rain clouds darken your gaze

And the sunlight shines brightness on your face.

Flawed, so beautifully flawed.

But, your essence, my dear

Is perfection.

A wild woman, A wild man- by Alison Nappi and Aubrey Marcus

A wild woman is not a girlfriend. She is a relationship with nature-by Alison Nappi

But can you love me in the deep? In the dark? In the thick of it?

Can you love me when I drink from the wrong bottle and slip through the crack in the floorboard?

Can you love me when I’m bigger than you, when my presence blazes like the sun does, when it hurts to look directly at me?

Can you love me then too?

Can you love me under the starry sky, shaved and smooth, my skin like liquid moonlight?

Can you love me when I am howling and furry, standing on my haunches, my lower lip stained with the blood of my last kill?

When I call down the lightning, when the sidewalks are singed by the soles of my feet, can you still love me then?

What happens when I freeze the land, and cause the dirt to harden over all the pomegranate seeds we’ve planted?

Will you trust that Spring will return?

Will you still believe me when I tell you I will become a raging river, and spill myself upon your dreams and call them to the surface of your life?

Can you trust me, even though you cannot tame me?

Can you love me, even though I am all that you fear and admire?

Will you fear my shifting shape?

Does it frighten you, when my eyes flash like your camera does?

Do you fear they will capture your soul?

Are you afraid to step into me?

The meat-eating plants and flowers armed with poisonous darts are not in my jungle to stop you from coming. Not you.

So do not worry. They belong to me, and I have invited you here.

Stay to the path revealed in the moonlight and arrive safely to the hut of Baba Yaga: the wild old wise one… she will not lead you astray if you are pure of heart.

You cannot be with the wild one if you fear the rumbling of the ground, the roar of a cascading river, the startling clap of thunder in the sky.

If you want to be safe, go back to your tiny room — the night sky is not for you.

If you want to be torn apart, come in. Be broken open and devoured. Be set ablaze in my fire.

I will not leave you as you have come: well dressed, in finely-threaded sweaters that keep out the cold.

I will leave you naked and biting. Leave you clawing at the sheets. Leave you surrounded by owls and hawks and flowers that only bloom when no one is watching.

So, come to me, and be healed in the unbearable lightness and darkness of all that you are.

There is nothing in you that can scare me. Nothing in you I will not use to make you great.

A wild woman is not a girlfriend. She is a relationship with nature. She is the source of all your primal desires, and she is the wild whipping wind that uproots the poisonous corn stalks on your neatly tilled farm.

She will plant pear trees in the wake of your disaster.

She will see to it that you shall rise again.

She is the lover who restores you to your own wild nature.

The male inspired response:

A wild man is not a boyfriend, he is a force.- by Aubrey Marcus

Can you love me in the blinding heat of a birthing star, when I shower warmth on distant moons?

Can you love me in the hole of the cosmic Black, where no one can reach me? Not even you?

Can you love me then too?

Can you love me when I drag buffalo skulls through the dirt for days, to the rhythm of an ancient drum?

Will you love me if my beard hides the scars in my heart, from battles I cannot explain?

WIll you love me when I lack courage, when I am defeated, when I won’t let you patch my wounds?

WIll you trust me when I smell of sweetgrass and sage, and when I stink of whiskey and sweat?

When I drink from the cup and play in astral light, will you anchor me to Home?

What happens when my words don’t work, and I can speak with only my eyes?

Can you love me enough to let me go, without asking me where I’ll be?

I am no poodle to lay groomed on a leash at your feet. I am the wolf that fetches the bones of truth.

A wild man is not a boyfriend. He’s not built for animal husbandry. He is a force. He is a cause for an effect. He is a mission.

Are you afraid to let me inside you? Not just my flesh, but my soul. The wild man is neither burglar or vandal. I will not take anything from you. I will not trample on sprouting seeds or pick flowers as a trophy. I am the sun on flooded fields and the fire for tangled webs.

Don’t be scared, lover, mother, maiden, crone. Take me as I am.

Even if I have the power to destroy worlds, I will not destroy you.

A wild man is a protector. A father. A warrior for all that is good.

When the chaos seeks to obliterate you, sheering your flesh from bone, I will hold all the pieces together in love, until you are ready to reassemble.

When your seas boil, and your winds throw cars at corn fields, I will wait patiently for you to catch my eye, so that both of us can laugh.

When Hell opens up the fiery gates, and sends all the cosmos against you… I plant my heels deep in the ground. I lay my shield low. My sword is sharp then, my love. The steel sings sweetly. With a smile, Hoka Hey! My last breath a farewell kiss. Today is a good day to die.

For ours is the oldest love affair. The greatest story ever told. Cupid and Psyche, Shiva and Shakti, You and I.

Same same but different. Would we have it any other way?

A wild man is not a boyfriend. He is a force.

Back to Center

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Here I lay, admire the stars.

Contemplate the remarkable life that we are.

A tiny speck in this vast space;

Certain our world is the only place,

Where we are the center of all that is

Where we are the sun, the stars, and abyss.

Yet, lost in distractions and egoic agenda

Plugged into illusion and false propaganda.

Casting shadows on our flaws,

Impressing others with shallow cause.

Believing in stories which feed hate,

Dismissing messages of sealed fate.

But all it takes is to quiet the noise

To sit in the silence and revere in its poise

Feel in the breath the gift that is living

A selfless present the spirit is giving

A reminder, we’re not the center we serve

Back to center

We are part of the WHOLE of the universe.

Assumptions

Nunzio Paci's  Sogno della potatura d'inverno/Dream of winter pruning

Nunzio Paci’s Sogno della potatura       d’inverno/Dream of winter pruning

Conclusions made, lacking proof.

Pictures painted, perspective…aloof.

Fill the doubts with imagination.

Dismiss the points of reservations.

Trust in what perception sees,

All is based on individual beliefs.

Tell the story which fits best.

And the source? Never addressed.

Chase more questions through mind’s halls.

Paranoia painting the thinker’s walls.

Before crazy continues to drive,

And the false stories continues to thrive.

Realize, the ghosts the mind create,

Are only vain assumptions made.

My Heart

The Heart Chakra

         The Heart Chakra

In my extended hand I hold

my unclothed heart for you to unfold.

Invite you in and have you see,

this beating heart, inside of me.

In this heart I hold all treasures,

infinite love and all life’s pleasures.

An open heart is what I give.

Compassionately and truthful, I try to live.

But imperfection also resides

in this unfolded heart of mine

A shadow side for you to uncover.

An honest heart you will discover.

There, you may find a lack of trust

of this world I find unjust.

You may find resentments stored,

and insecurities that I hoard.

You may find my judgments made,

and what makes my heart afraid.

You may find a lack of love,

and the anger I’ve tried to rid myself of.

But what is dark inside of me,

I share with you to be set free.

I hope this gift you will receive;

This heart of mine, upon my sleeve.

And like the light I see in you,

I also see the dark side too.

But now that you have my heart to hold

Allow your heart to begin to unfold.

Mirror, Mirror

Salvdor Dali's Cranach Metamorphosis

Salvador Dali’s                     Cranach Metamorphosis

Mirror, mirror on the wall
There you go, point to my flaws
Here I am, sit and stare
At this body, naked and bare

Mirror, mirror on the wall
To your deceptive ways I fall
Blinded by your strong reflection
Prey to your cruel rejection

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Towering over, I feel so small
Worthless to your expectations
A child of God? Not this creation.

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Closing my eyes so I may call
On the light that lives within
To shine its wisdom on my skin

Mirror, mirror on the wall
I accept you and your flaws
Embrace this body and how it’s made
Love myself, the light and shade.

The Light

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Inside of me there’s a light that lives

A lantern to light the way

A soothing warmth it always gives

The speaker when I pray

Some assume there’s nothing there

but not everyone can see

The things I have, the clothes I wear

It’s the light, that defines me

For those of you who care to know

This light inside of me

Look in my heart, and I will show

How it was born to be

So for now, I sing out loud

 “This little light of mine”

Continue on, walking unbowed

“I’m gonna let it shine”

Inside of me there’s a light that lives

“Do you have one too?”

A warm hello and my love I give

To the light inside of you

The Second Marriage Vow

We have all heard the statistics on second marriages; they are more likely to fail than the first. Reasons range from finances, to marrying the same type of person as the first marriage, to the stress of having a blended family. As discouraging as many of those statistics and related articles are, I decided to approach the 18 months long engagement in to my second marriage as a self-reflective period. I am the product of a divorced home, a step child and did not have any good examples of a healthy (by my standards) marriage.  I understand that plays into my approach of marriage. I am also a product of a very challenging first marriage; One that was challenged by financial hardships, mental illness and lies; which affected my overall trust in people. Although I know my situation is not unique, I have found solace in accepting how my experiences have aided in forming the insight of who I am and getting myself emotionally and mentally prepared for my second marriage. After many self-reflective days and long open conversations with my fiancé, at the end of the 18 months, barefoot on a beautiful beach in front of our immediate family, I was ready and I committed myself and gave my second marriage vows:

Vow  1.  I will leave my first marriage baggage in my first marriage chapter.

The first marriage ended and it is certain it may have left some wounds. Although it is important to give those wounds some time to heal, more often than not, the scars left from those wounds are felt for many years after a marriage has ended. Some of those wounds are felt and open back up well in to the second marriage. The first vow is to leave the first marriage baggage in the first marriage chapter.

My second marriage is not responsible for what happened in the first marriage. What I allowed for the first marriage to do to my self-esteem and trust is my responsibility to work on and to improve.  My spouse is not responsible to correct the mistakes of my first marriage. Not the ones made by me and most certainly not the ones made by my ex-spouse.

 

Vow  2. My child is OUR child.

A commonality between many second marriages is the blended family. The STEP  label is added to the family make up. Step child, step parent. In my case, I was the party with the child. My child is now a step child and my husband is now a stepfather. It was never my intent to make my son what I am; A step child. However, my intent and vow was and is to make sure my son is home in the house that we share as a family. It is my intent and vow my child is loved and has a voice in our home. It is my intent and vow my child is protected and has a say in how he feels about our family make up. He is included always, as he was on the day we all made a promise to each other to first and foremost be a family followed by him giving us our rings to exchange our vows. Fortunately, his step father and I consciously parent to create a positive inclusive family atmosphere in our home. I understand other blended families may have a more complicated situation and to them all I can advise is to define the family intent and allow for every voice to be heard; From the faintest of the smallest in the house to the loudest. 

 

Vow  3. Teamwork makes it work

From finances, to house chores, to kids schedules, to cooking dinner, to planning family trips; I now understand I am not superwoman. I am not expected to be superwoman. The house and family do not run smoothly when I try to be superwoman. My husband wants and asks to help. My role is to accept and ask if needed. My husband is not superman; I do not expect him to be superman, the house and family run smoother when he is not trying to be superman. My husband needs and will ask for help when he needs it. My role is to ask to help if he asks. I vow we be each other’s super helper, super cheerleader and super supporter.

 

Vow  4. Take care of self and take care of each other     

My first marriage taught me a big lesson (among others); I had to love myself better. I had to make sure I took care of myself; spiritually, emotionally, physically. I had to be good to myself. Nobody could make me feel fulfilled in those aspects but me. A fulfilled person is a happier person. A happier person can make for a better spouse, parent, friend etc. Recognizing this, I also realize, I have to respect and nurture the love my husband has for himself. This is part of being the super cheerleader for each other and continuing the teamwork in to the respecting and nurturing of ourselves.

 

Vow 5. Let go of the second marriage shame.

I was ashamed of myself when I got divorced and got engaged to be married again. Not ashamed of the person I was marrying; between you and I, I felt very much undeserving of someone like my husband. However; I felt ashamed that now I am a part of some statistic. I made my son part of that statistic as well. And according to other studies, I was more likely to become part of other statistics. I was in those articles about why people get married for the second time if the first one did not work out. I was going to hell according to some religions. I pondered what people must have been thinking when that relationship status changed from married at one time, then to single at another time, then to engaged  later and then to married again. Above all, I wondered what my husband’s family must think of me. A divorced single mother now engaged to their “had everything going for him” son/brother. I WAS ashamed of myself. I am no longer. How did I overcome my shame? I overcame it by accepting my experience and the decisions I have made in my life. I overcame it by being grateful for believing in marriage still and having the husband that accepts what I was and whatever label I came with. I overcame shame by knowing I am not the only person in this world who has gone through it. I overcame my shame by accepting other’s opinions and perspectives as their own, without any reflection of what kind of person that made me.  I am not ashamed of myself anymore. I am not ashamed of the second marriage. I let go of the second marriage shame. And that is my final vow.